Sometimes, we forget to live our lives. We’re too busy hating who we are… Everyone holds pain deep down – it’s why we go to bed upset, walk down the road and sigh, give up on calling the ones we miss but begrudge. I am […]
I have learned a lot throughout the last few years: loving my queer heart, embracing this slender body, healing abandonment trauma… Yet over and over again, I come across days and times when confusion and pain surge high. The more I look into myself, the […]
I catch myself dragging me into unease, discomfort, worry and fear. I think about the choices I make, or I let myself feel the next right step to take – and yet, come good or bad, I quite always manage to find my way back into pain.
So let’s call that romanticising pain. It’s when you experience dis-ease for long enough that the pain this causes turns out too close to home. Personal experience: my drug of choice has always been being a loser. The one who’s left behind, who gets abandoned, and who doesn’t have the means, the ability, the love or support to make it through. I’ve lived it for so long, that a loser mentality naturally got hardwired in my brain.
Making subtle, unconscious choices that invite deep pain into my life – then successfully romanticising anything positive right back into suffering – is what fuels my loser mentality. And WHAT A BEAUTIFUL THING that is!
I love who I am today – and how greatly this twisted, beautiful thing supported me into becoming all that I am now. All of the self-inflicted pain, loser mentality, and victimage have been there for my frightened inner child and doubtful inner self. Always.
There’s no point in fighting it. Nobody really wins in a battle. Romanticising pain will always be with me, and deep within me. It’s not the only way to be, that’s true. We’ve really acknowledged each other now, though. And we are having a conversation. Releasing shame, and disrupting ancestral covenants of hiding away from the public eye.
I’m here to confess to you the many times I had waited to be saved – how my saviour never came – and how I shall not be expecting external salvage from now on. Let’s explain and expand a bit. What do I mean by waiting/wanting to […]
These last few days I have had to process a great deal of low-vibration feelings and emotions. But… there’s a blessing to every situation – and the revelation I had was this: heal the vengeful inner child.
We are never angry because of what we think we’re angry for: every stressful event is merely an enabler, which triggers and brings up that very first time we got to experience feelings of helplessness, abandonment, and so on.
For me, being a child who couldn’t physically stand up for or defend himself left behind deep scars and profound trauma. To this day, my cellular memory still retains vivid memories and imprints of feeling helpless.
Now, what can we do about this detrimental energy? We can’t destroy it, but we can manipulate, move and shift it. And the way we can do that is by:
Trusting: trusting the process of life, trusting a higher force (God, Universe, etc.), its vested interest in our very own well-being, and trusting everything happens for our highest good. How exactly do we trust, you ask? By…
Praying: if you pray a supplication prayer (i.e.: where you beg for something), make sure to refrain from dictating any specific ways by which that which you’re asking for shall reach you. Your vision and my vision are limited by our own humaneness, so let Divinity/Life/Force provide through expected and unexpected ways. Now… if you’re not praying a supplication prayer, very good on you! That means you’re giving thanks and staying grateful before anything even gets to happen, which might very well be the greatest display of trust.
Elevating: elevating our own vibration, and getting to a higher vibration (which is where love, abundance, peace, fun and all those other goodies navigate about) allows us to reach and attain the very things we long for. You can elevate your vibrational energy by staying away from negative people, news, places and situations. Essential oils, time in nature, stillness, devotion, and meditation all elevate your vibration and take you one step closer to realising your full vision.
To be with others, I must first learn to be with myself. There is something beautiful and sexy about having friends and lovers in our life – something we so skillfully fear and more often than not turn into codependency relationships. Why do we find […]
This happens to me all the time. I either watch a YouTube video of somebody candidly talking about their latest crash or I just see someone I really really like and the pain gets me. It’s that type of daunting pain that triggers all of my inner-criticism , insecurities and fears.
By the looks of it, whenever there’s love around I suddenly get reminded of just how much I’m lacking it and would wish it were present in my life, as well. And, naturally, I get really desperate for love!
My mind goes back to the same old, negative patterns of self-hatred and before I know it I find myself in this shit storm of really damaging thoughts: ”I must not be attractive enough”, ”I must not be acting masculine enough”, ”It’s me, right?! I’m just not good enough”.
And even though I’ve been working really hard on all of these issues and, at certain points, even was under the impression that I’d overcome them, I have discovered we’re all a work in progress. And that means now nourishing, empowering thoughts are all over my mind – but so are some of the deeply-rooted, negative ones. The only difference is now I can bounce back to that hippie dippie place every time I hit rock bottom.
Reality is love isn’t about getting validation from a partner, nor from society for having one. Love is about growing and making progress in our own individual life journey, alongside a partner that can provide the lessons, tools and insight we lack. And that partner might show up sooner or later, or never, for a longer or a shorter period of time, but always for our highest good! May there be somebody for me, out there, too 🙂
Spiritual teachers like Louise Hay and Iyanla Vanzant have brought a big deal of change in my life. I was already in love with Louise Hay, her teachings and her life story when I stumbled upon Iyanla. Louise had posted about her Hay House World […]