I catch myself dragging me into unease, discomfort, worry and fear. I think about the choices I make, or I let myself feel the next right step to take – and yet, come good or bad, I quite always manage to find my way back into pain.
So let’s call that romanticising pain. It’s when you experience dis-ease for long enough that the pain this causes turns out too close to home. Personal experience: my drug of choice has always been being a loser. The one who’s left behind, who gets abandoned, and who doesn’t have the means, the ability, the love or support to make it through. I’ve lived it for so long, that a loser mentality naturally got hardwired in my brain.
Making subtle, unconscious choices that invite deep pain into my life – then successfully romanticising anything positive right back into suffering – is what fuels my loser mentality. And WHAT A BEAUTIFUL THING that is!
I love who I am today – and how greatly this twisted, beautiful thing supported me into becoming all that I am now. All of the self-inflicted pain, loser mentality, and victimage have been there for my frightened inner child and doubtful inner self. Always.
There’s no point in fighting it. Nobody really wins in a battle. Romanticising pain will always be with me, and deep within me. It’s not the only way to be, that’s true. We’ve really acknowledged each other now, though. And we are having a conversation. Releasing shame, and disrupting ancestral covenants of hiding away from the public eye.